Sunday, April 16, 2006

Stunned...

I am in complete and utter shock.

Bassman and I are no longer visiting the realm of coupledom. I am completely in love with him, and he loves me too, but our lives are just not right to devote to each other. Not now. Maybe not ever. We discussed it tonight, and as desperately as we wanted it to work, it just can't.

And yet, despite the puffy, itchy eyes -- clearly evidence that I sobbed uncontrollably for parts of the conversation -- I feel a sense of calm.

Bassman and I had a night of confessions. He confessed something to me that he has never spoken to another soul, something no other living being may again hear. And I opened up stories that have ached to burst from my chest for years, exhausting me as I strained to keep them buried.

Bassman and I have already known each other better than any other people on this Earth ever could. That was expanded tenfold tonight.

As much as I looked into his stunningly perfect eyes this evening and wanted nothing more than to kiss him, and as much as my heart tore again with each pass of that thought, our friendship is actually stronger tonight than ever. We now understand truly where each other's disturbing personality quirks come from. The little unsettling details we had always observed in each other but never understood have clunked into place, and the puzzles have revealed themselves. For once, we each have a true and clear understanding of one another. No one else holds the clues we now have, and without those tidbits, we remain mysteries to outsiders.

It feels good to have a complete and utter picture of his soul and to know that he has one of mine.

I wish that that understanding coincided with a relationship, because I know we enjoy each other's company more than that of anyone else. But sadly, while we are meant to be the best and most important friends in each other's life, I don't think we are meant to be a couple. It's a shame -- we work so well together.

But our friendship will persevere and, as evidenced by tonight, it can survive anything.

Still, without Bassman as my significant other, already another fear has crept into my brain. Techie and I fought constantly during our relationship, and Bassman was often the subject of the fights, as Techie feared Bassman was trying to steal me away.

Having Bassman as close to me as he is, that will be threatening to other men, as I would be to potential dates for him as well.

Not that I'm out there looking for men already!

But I can't help but wonder if Bassman and I will be destined to be asexual life partners, or if we will have to let the most important and best friend each of us has ever had go in order to move on with others.

Oh, who am I kidding...I'm a mess.

1 Comments:

At 4/27/2006 11:59 AM, Blogger Small Town Diva said...

whoa, we really need to have lunch. What a painful, bittersweet post.

 

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