Sunday, April 16, 2006

Alone...

I am surrounded by my family. They are smiling -- The Kid is enjoying his Easter spoils, and the Grandparents are enjoying his smiles. I sit nearby and I watch the scene...but I am not a part of it.

My eyes are swollen and dead. I feel nothing.

Sound swirls about me -- the beginnings of the Easter feast being prepared, the television blaring, laughter, chatter. But I take in none of it. I absorb nothing.

I know something so heartbreaking about another human being, and he knows something equally as heartbreaking about me. I know he sits alone on his couch at home, eyes lifeless, absorbing nothing at this moment, just as I am here.

It's a lonely and naked place -- truly understanding the darkest depths of the souls of man. Two souls have been exposed and stand unclothed before one another, yet shrouded from the rest of the world.

I want to sit with him. Collective solitude. Unfeeling. Without a sound. But together. Sharing the silence and the pain and the understanding.

Perhaps this evening I can escape to him for a bit, to look him dead eye to dead eye, and to understand.

Meanwhile, I must put on a happy face and enjoy my son's rapture at this day. I must participate. I must at least make an attempt to put it behind me for a few hours.

But it all screams and echoes in an endless din in my skull. And I don't know how to make it stop.

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